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Panda Express: Chinese for "You're gonna wish you didn't eat that." 
Hotel showers range anywhere from "Gently peeing on you" to "Dear God, this is going to rip my nipples off!"
So the clown at my kid's birthday party has been pulling a CVS receipt out of his sleeve for the past 20 minutes..
Saw a guy in a trucker hat, with a handle bar moustache, wearing a bowtie, carrying a stack of records with an iguana on his shoulder walking down the street. Didn't think it was possible to OD on hipster
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it's a small soft drink.
When did old skanks become cougars?
The best thing about my phone screen shattering is that it now matches my dreams and aspirations for this Presdential election.
If by angry birds you mean flipping off a$$holes while driving then yes I'm at the expert level of Angry Birds
For the record "Wanna do it?" is not foreplay....
Hey girl, are you an angel? Because your hair's in my pasta. I'd like to speak to the manager.
The guy who flushed the toilet on my teleconference was my hero... Then, After NOT hearing the faucet turn on,, he's also the real terrorist.
Yeah, we also have a vegan option for those of you that can't deal with the guilt of being at the top of the food chain,,, you wuss.
I'm asian, but not "me love you long time" asian.
Helping my oldest with History homework is a blast.....Underground railroad??? honey we call that a "Subway"
Probably the worst part about growing up in a tipi is not understanding knock knock jokes.
Won the yearly food fight today.. No one was matched for me and my canned peas.
Watched a boy make a wish at a coin fountain. He tossed the coin & missed it. Missed. An. Entire. Fountain. Ugh, this kid sucks at wishing.
Great! I ate a whole box of Captain Crunch, the roof of my mouth is shredded and I can lick my brain.
best place to hide a body, page 2 google search results
.Merry Christmas to most,and to a select few of you may santa flush his $hitter over your chimney! 