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Ever been so hammered you open up a box of Frosted Flakes thinking it's a jigsaw puzzle of a tiger? 
They say if you have a fear of spiders you are more likely to find one in your bedroom..............I'm really afraid of Mila Kunis.
We spend 33% of our life sleeping, 33% wanting to be asleep and the rest apologizing to women.
what's for lunch? left over bacon from breakfast said no one ever.
Beauty without intelligence is like a masterpiece painted on a tissue paper.
Lost fifty dollars in my neighborhood. If someone finds it I'll give them a free dog.
going to try to act my age tonight!! Said no cougar ever :)
Iran has issued travel warnings against Canada. Oh no Iran, please don't slow down your lucrative travel industry to Canada.
Scientists have discovered why some female spiders eat their mates. According to the data analysis, it turns out the male spiders deserve it.
Have you ever just sat there and realized how weird you are?
The first rule of Mormon fight club is: Going door to door and talk about Mormon fight club
Man, pretending to care about a woman's feelings is hard work!!
Ladies, if your dating profile includes the phrase “must love cats”, you should buy the long term membership…
It's so cold Miley Cyrus got her toungue stuck on her wrecking ball
This space heater can barely warm a room, there's no way it's going to heat a universe.
I took four of my liberal friends to see the movie 13 Hours. And just to get the point across, I left them there.
If I wanted your opinion I would have married you.
Scones are just uppity biscuits...
Thanks alot Mark Fuckerberg. Just had to poop without Facebook like I was some kind of cave man.
So if oil is made from decomposed dinosaurs, and plastic is made from oil...then plastic dinosaurs are made from REAL dinosaurs? 