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Thanks for all the birthday wishes. I also accept gifts in the form of beer, casual sex and football tickets 
You know shes a stalker . . . . or a serial killer, if you wake up at 3 'o clock in the morning and shes staring at you. . . in the dark. . . . .and says. . . "You know that I love you right?"
Helmet strapped down, crayons sharpened, it's going to be a great day!
running out of excuses for the stupid things I do. Please submit suggestions below.
If you're playing with your X-Box all day, she'll break up with you and some dude will be playing with your ex's box all night.
People who talk to themselves tend to be better lovers. Did you know that? Yes, I did know that.
Was in hospital waiting room and had sat on a newspaper that was on the chair. This guy comes over and asks "Are you reading that?" Didn't really know how to respond... So I said yes. I stood up, turned the page, and sat down again...
I'm opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint. I really think my "Whites Only!" restaurant idea will be a hit!
If a dentist makes his money off people with unhealthy teeth, why should I trust a toothpaste that 4 out of 5 dentists recommend?
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, "Looks like Santa lost his temper again."
Sex with human, ok. Sex with cow, not ok. Grabbing cow titty, ok. Grabbing Karen in accounting's titty, not ok. Apparently.
My dentist reminded me of my wife's sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed. Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
You're in your 20's... you don't have "haters"... you have "adults" that think you are "annoying".
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
Dear Graduates: Congratulations on making it through the easiest part of your life!
I think before we give the government any more money, they need to start showing us some receipts.
Why don't we ever hear anyone bragging about their Allstate safe driving bonus checks?
If the US government shutdown affected alcohol or internet porn they’d have it fixed by tomorrow morning...
Not sure if I logged into Facebook or the Cartoon Network.
I don’t have instagram, so I thought you guys should know I had Starbucks this morning. The cup was super cool looking. I also saw a rainbow 