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FYI: A ton of people is only like ten or fifteen people.... or 5 Wal-mart customers 
Take it easy this Black Friday, (try not to trample anyone to death) because it isn't supposed to look like a riot you idiots... Shop online like a real modern American!
I got in touch with my inner self today. That's the last time I buy single-ply toilet paper at the Dollar Store.
True story: one time I said "excuse me" to my own reflection into a glass door headed back into the bar
Crap. Got another Canadian quarter in change. But I’m a clever one; now it’s the Salvation Army’s problem.
That awkard moment when you wake up your boyfriend in middle of night to say "stop snoring!!!" and you realize that it's the dog and not him.
i hope you're happy people..y'all jus sued your way into no cracker jack toy.. if your kid choked thats called natural selection, not have a retard an be a millionairre
Officer the only reason I'm speeding is because I'm late...and stopping me for 15 minutes to give me a ticket is only going to make me speed even more!
Ever think "Serial Killers Coming" when you're getting into your car and you drop your car keys?
Crying is not necessarily a sign of weak character. Sometimes it is a sign of strong onions.
Can't wait for the Super Moon tonight, I wonder what color it's cape is?
I believe in Karma, Mainly because I can do bad things to people I don't like and assume they deserved it .
Dear Women of Online Dating Sites: You're unique and down to Earth.....just like everybody else.
Arguing with a woman is like bringing a knife to a gun fight, then repeatedly stabbing yourself with it.
People who walk on I-95 are so friendly. I've gone past 3 in the last hour and they all gave me the thumbs up.
its time to call clowns what they really are- smiling murderers
Marriage... a relationship between a person who's always right and her husband.
Nothing says "I'm carrying $3 and a Guitar Center receipt" like a wallet chain.
My girlfriend answered my booty call last night. God knows what she was doing with her sister's phone.
I just took a crap in a public bathroom so quickly & silently that a ninja dropped through the ceiling & high fived me. 