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I remember the days when all my "good stuff" fit in a Sucrets box. 
A snake is a snake, no matter how many times it sheds its skin!
My mind likes to mess with me just before sleeping. Last night I wondered what if dolls contained lost souls. Sitting there, watching, waiting, thinking....Dolls
One day, we will all live in the future.
I seldom fart, but when I do, it smells like pickled eggs and Dos Equis. Stay thirsty, my friends
My Masseuse just read 'Cinderella' to me ~ That's the last time I ask for a happy ending.
Er, excuse me, Mr. Swagger, Either walk a little bit faster or buy a damn belt.
My mate just texted me saying, "I wanna read a book. what wud you recommend?" "The Oxford English Dictionary" I replied.
Welcome to Facebook, the official home of VANITY.
You and your rumors have two things in common: you're both fake and you both get around.
Full Disclosure: I get most of my jokes from a 13 year old Amish kid named Caleb.
So the City that never sleeps now has a Quarterback that never sleeps with anyone?
Kiss her hello, kiss her goodbye, and kiss her for any other reason in between.
just putting some salad bits on my bacon
Can we just be honest about something: when is ziti ever not baked?
Rudeness is a weak man's imitation of strength.
Weird is just a side effect of being awesome.
If you've never gotten out of the shower and dried off with paper towels, you probably do your laundry more often than I do.
my computer decided to restart itself, and I lost the 37 tabs I had open. my life is in shambles
The Allstate mayhem guy drunkenly stumbles into the Progressive headquarters, while screaming, “COME AT ME FLO!!” 