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If your house doesn't have house numbers on it, you need to address that situation. 
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
Wife: I swear, it's like you never even listen to me!!! Me: Sounds great, Dear.
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my— Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
I just walked by an old man who kept saying, “One, three, five, seven, nine…one, three, five, seven, nine.” I thought to myself, “How odd.”
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport. They have a budget of $430,000...
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined Me: no
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don't get blown away.
You shouldn't be buying lobster when you're on a tuna fish budget.
for Lent I'm giving up relationships...oh, nevermind, they gave up on me already
FYI,,, Bobcat is just short for Robertcat. ...*Science.
My version of flirting is looking at someone I find attractive many times and hoping they are more brave than I am.
....... I was thinking ...... Considering the state of affairs in this country .... We should make politicians wear shock collars that go off each time they lie. Most would die of severe electrocution!
Guys: I'm not a tomboy, but I'm not a girly girl either. Like I want to get my nails done but also I wanna get muddy and set stuff on fire. Wanna date me?
It's always good to announce your break-up via Facebook. It's the easiest way to let her friends know you're available.
The two best days of my life: The day I got married and the day my divorce was final.
Dance like its back in 1999 when no one had a camera phone.
National Drink Wine Day is February 18th....why is this not a stat holiday?
Fall in love with someone who makes you laugh or you're be really bored when you're 80 years old, with a broken hip, and sex is impossible.
My performance with my wife last night was amazing. I lasted like 45 minutes!... Then I finally gave in and admitted she was right. 