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Sunday marks the birth of America, which Americans celebrate by combining their love of drinking with their love of explosives. 
We have 50 friends in common and I still have no idea who the hell you are
Whatever doesn't kill me makes me all like, "Whoa! That was close!"
when I smash a bug on the wall or ceiling I like to keep it there as a warning to the others..
Whoever said the camera adds 10 pounds should stop eating cameras.
There's nothing worse than loving someone who's never going to stop disappointing you.
You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
TEIAM - problem solved
You can do a thousand GOOD things and a a hundred GREAT things. But if you do just one BAD thing, people will remember you for that.
Skinny jeans aren't for everybody...
Not to brag, but I have completely mastered the right way to do everything wrong.
My 13yo just dumped his girlfriend and now he's attempting to get his hoodie back. He's in for one hell of a life lesson.
American Sniper proves that not even being in an active war zone will prevent your spouse from calling you at work.
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, "I don't think you're supposed call people that any more."
Why do the commercials with the husband and wife doing a home improvement project never show the fistfight?
The larger the implants, the more likely she’ll be confused by a push/pull door.
Having a mohawk used to mean you were tough. Now it means you're a 3 year-old with annoying parents.
20 years from now, some adults are going to say they grew up on the “bad part of town,” meaning there was no 4G in that area
The hostess said to sit wherever I want, but the couple at this table are giving each other weird looks and have totally stopped talking.
Somewhere, someone is thinking about you and the impact you made in their life.... It's not me, I think you're a prick. 