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On page 176 of the book karma sutra, apparently I now need a partner.. 
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been damn hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea and you’re here watching sheep.”
Did you ever notice that when you remove the vowels from "female" you get FML?
The safest place to be during an earthquake would be in a stationary store.
I want to be flabbergasted by something other than ignorance.
My ship has sailed, now I am waiting for the UFO.
Just ate my toothbrush to clean those hard-to-reach places.
if a worker gets fired & banned from the Lego company, have they been "blocked"?
ever notice how many friends you have when you pull out a pkg of gum?
I never think about eating healthier but when I do, it's while I'm eating junk food.
If you love someone, set them fee. If they don't come back, call them up later when you're drunk
You were a lot more attractive before you posted pictures of your boyfriend.
I swear 2012 lasted for like 3 months.
this the best we can do? We need to put some humor back on everyones faces, C'mon dig down deep people...
Even WITH a paddle, I still wouldn't go to sh*t creek.
It's just ADORABLE how the Liquor Store cashier always wishes me a good week as if I won't be back tomorrow.
A sign in the window reads CURED MEATS.... Inside, a salami takes his first steps since the accident. A prosciutto learns to forgive.
The single ladies and cats joke below is proof that B EGO is the a d m I n and steals stuff we p 0st and claim it as his own.
To feel more relaxed I go to my job interviews naked. I tell the guy "just picture me in a three piece suit and you'll feel less nervous."
I'm so fat, if I were convicted and sentenced to death, I'd get the Electric Couch. 