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Never trust a computer you can't throw out a window 
I wish James J. Lee had watched CNN News instead of the Discovery channel.
If I come into work really early, each time I say "Hi" to whoever is there all I'm really doing is gathering witnesses to justify my early departure.
In college I was the Brett Favre of retiring from drinking.
I wasn't going to let my son sign up for soccer, then I remembered something very important... "Soccer Mom's".
I just walked by an old man who kept saying, “One, three, five, seven, nine… one, three, five, seven, nine…” I thought, “How odd.”
Some people's lives are like open books... Mine is like a trashcan without a lid.
Need this election to be over so I can focus on holiday anxiety.
I am a very tolerant person until you think differently than me. Then I act like a spoiled little brat.
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone's cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
Sometimes you run into people who just make your day more bearable. Those people are called bartenders.
If I've learned anything from social media, it's that we live on a planet that's disproportionately filled with inhabitants in possession of single digit IQ's.
I thought we had something. You met my family, you made me dinner, you called me Honey. Now suddenly you are just a "waitress" who was "doing her job".
Had 21 minutes of doggie style sex last night. That's 3 minutes in human time.
Not saying that women walmart shoppers have bad teeth. But when the woman in line in front of me smiled. The barcode scanner rang up a set of sauce pans.
Words and phrases I hope do not appear in my obituary: "Skeletal remains", "Dumpster", "Beyond recognition", "Decapitated", "Dental records", "Shallow grave", "Strewn", and "Suicide by Cop."
I refused to buy my 6 year old nephew a Barbie doll for his birthday because I believe that Barbie dolls give little boys unrealistic expectations. There is no way you could rip a woman’s head off that easily.
Why is it that kids these days can shift their gender but cannot shift a manual transmission?
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin* Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater...this year I am hoping for a moaner or screamer. 