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Maybe, just maybe, if we tell all these young people with their faces glued to their phones that the brain is an app, they'll start using it..... 
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you'll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
The best dates end with "I can't believe we did that"
Thank you, True Crime, for sayingthat was a reenactment. I was prettyupset your camera person didn’tstop that murder.
I wish my personality allowed me to write deep and meaningful statuses sometimes, oh well. Titties!
Every day is a struggle to come to terms with the fact that they chose Tobey Maguire to play Spiderman.
LinkedIn Bans P rostitutes And E scorts! I wasn't even aware this service was available on LinkedIn. Why am I always late to the party?
In honor of Father's Day, I came up with a bourbon and cookie diet that is going to make me so rich... And fat... And drunk... Well, at least two of those
I'm not so good about doing the dishes. I just contemplated spreading peanut butter on bread - using scissors
I just walked by an old man who kept saying, “One, three, five, seven, nine… one, three, five, seven, nine…” I thought, “How odd.”
Some people's lives are like open books... Mine is like a trashcan without a lid.
I lost 3 pounds over the weekend.but not to worry I found them lastnight at pizza hut
I love how twix come with two bars so I can eat one now and the other immediately after
The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.
"When I'm dead, I'd like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole." - Humans
The toilet roll situation has got so bad I have been forced to wipe with lettuce leaves. I fear its just the tip of the iceberg
Gas so cheap right now I don't even shake the pump after I fill up.
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin* Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater...this year I am hoping for a moaner or screamer.
My backup plan is just my original plan but with more alcohol. 