Trump Filter: ON | OFF
Search Messages:
After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut. 
Fact: Tan cellulite looks better than pale cellulite.
I'm sick of the cold. I'm ready to complain about it being too hot.
Be happy in front of people who don't like you, it kills them
To that person who long, long ago, first looked at coffee beans and thought "You know, I bet we could make some kind of hot drink out of these things!", I THANK YOU. VERY VERY MUCH! :)
the difference between your mind and heart; your mind tells you what the smart thing is to do.. and your heart tells you what you're gonna do anyway.
Why does it take less than a minute to pay online and more than 10 days for the refund ??
The Walk Of Shame: When you toss a paper ball in the trash, miss, then have to go get it.
I'm like a mosquito in a nudist camp; I know what to do, but I don't know where to start
Madonna and Johnny Depp seem completely unaware they aren't British
In every organization there will always be one person who knows what is going on. That person must be fired.
Based on the number of smoke breaks they take, I’m pretty sure the only reason my co-workers have a job is to pay for their cigarettes.
It's like the women in this bar don't know how close I am to getting my own apartment.
I just bought a medical alert bracelet. It says "Probably just sh*tfaced"
"Got any drugs or alcohol on you?" "yup, I'm all set. Thanks Officer"
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
So, what are all us fortunate people complaining about today?
Career goal: Being successful enough to add bacon to my burger without asking how much more it costs.
I can't wait until Whole Foods starts selling "Mars Water" for 50 bucks a bottle.
I tweeted to Steve Harvey tonight that he was still my favorite all-time host of Family Feud; but two and a half minutes later I tweeted again to tell him it is actually Richard Dawson 