Funny Status Messages

   I always go the extra mile. The restraining order says I have to.

   Thanks ABC News, if it wasn't for your extensive news coverage, I wouldn't have known that it gets hot outside in the middle of July. 

   If you know I'm I the car and you continue to text me, you basically want me dead...

   Motivation= get on treadmill naked in front of mirror

   Archie Buinker & George Jefferson together again......in a much better place!!!

   May need to leave Facebook until after the election so I can maintain respect for some of my family and friends

   That'll teach the bltch to keep the house in the divorce... Before I left, I set 3 white rats free in the house with 1, 2, & 4 written on their backs.

   Going to a concert tonight. Doors open at 7pm, according to the ticket. That's a pretty impressive opening act.

   That moment when you spell a word so wrong that even auto-correct is like "I got nothing, man."

   I get my: Cereal from a tiger, Insurance from a gecko, Toilet paper from a bear, Financial advice from a gorilla. It's people I don't trust.

   Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you don't know the man & he doesn't know you're eating his popcorn

   Kurt Cobain would be so disappointed to find out teen spirit now smells like Axe body spray

   Dear Victoria's Secret engineers. Bubble wrap panties..... make it happen.

   All men approve of premarital sex......until they have a daughter.

   The first scene of Star Wars 7 should be C-3P0 waking up and saying "I just had three horrible dreams!"

   Silence doesn't always mean 'Yes'. Sometimes it means "I'm tired of explaining to people who don't even care to understand."

   I hope the friends that haven't called me in a while know how much I appreciate that.

   It’s like people don’t realise that once you’ve had children together, you can never get completely divorced.

   "Today its Sunday" Forward this to 15 friends,.. within 7 days you"ll get another Sunday. it really works... One of my friends ignored it and he got Monday within 24 hours

   Apparently the graphics are so good on the Xbox One, players will be able to see their own social anxiety disorders developing.