Funny Status Messages

   I get my: Cereal from a tiger, Insurance from a gecko, Toilet paper from a bear, Financial advice from a gorilla. It's people I don't trust.

   Going to a concert tonight. Doors open at 7pm, according to the ticket. That's a pretty impressive opening act.

   That moment when you spell a word so wrong that even auto-correct is like "I got nothing, man."

   So the government spies on us all the time and its no big deal, but someone hacks in and steals celebretards nudies and its a national emergency? SMH

   I had this one night stand a few weeks ago but I wasn't satisfied with the craftsmanship so I returned it and got a bedside table instead...

   It’s like I was put on this earth so unstable people have somebody to date.

   “Don’t make me regret this.” -things I think when accepting a friend request.

   Guests are coming over for Thanksgiving... Almost time to booby trap the medicine cabinet with marbles.

   I am really looking forward to my favorite Thanksgiving tradition. Watching the "Black Friday" shoppers at Walmart trampling each other on the evening news.

   Want people to leave you alone? Tuck in your sweater.

   Deja Vu: When God thinks something is so funny he has to rewind it to show it to his friends.

   If you know I'm I the car and you continue to text me, you basically want me dead...

   Motivation= get on treadmill naked in front of mirror

   i hate that little line of dirt that I can never get into the dust pan...

   I always go the extra mile. The restraining order says I have to.

   Thanks ABC News, if it wasn't for your extensive news coverage, I wouldn't have known that it gets hot outside in the middle of July. 

   The American dream is no longer owning your own home. Its moving out of moms.

   Fact: Tan cellulite looks better than pale cellulite.

   After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

   Be happy in front of people who don't like you, it kills them