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Ladies we don't say this often enough but THANK YOU. Thank you for not killing us in our sleep or putting arsenic in our sandwiches. Sincerely MEN. 
Fact: 96% of all arguments end with somebody saying “Google that sh*t!”
If Jennifer Lawrence really wanted to keep her photos private, she should've kept them hidden in Lois Lerner's email.
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
Shouldn't we get paid to use the self-service checkouts in supermarkets? It's like we work there for a little while.
Dear Santa, I would like a thin body and a fat bank account. Don't mix it up this year!
Hey Verification Code, I have no idea what the heck that says but I swear I'm human.
men always notice it's cold when their nipples become larger than their balls
Some people can rely on their personality for birth control.
Never plan a future with someone that has no future plans for themselves.
I don't care what the damn expiration date says, I'm smelling the milk before I drink it.
It's all fun and games untill someone spills bong water on the last slice of pizza!
I hate it when certain people exist.
The cast of 16 & pregnant are the future cast of 32 & grandparents
Cuddling season is over. It's hott as f**k now. Get away.
do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
Vampires aren't on FB because they can't take pictures of themselves in front of a mirror.
Trying understand some people is like trying to pick up a turd by the clean end.
conficious says it takes many nails to build a crib but only 1 SCREW to fill it
Apparently,,, hospital bed pans are only for the patients?? 