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I don’t judge people based on color, race, religion, sexuality, or gender…I base it on whether or not they’re an as$hole. 
I can't wait until tomorrow when all the Martin Luther King, Jr. candy is 75% off.
Giving me a Christmas ornament as a Christmas gift is like bringing vitamins to my funeral.
I love the way my abs look... in the morning... when I suck in my stomach... and turn to the side... while squinting... and the lights are turned off.
When God closes a door, he opens a window. My heating bill is out of control and there's a family of raccoons living in my kitchen. Please God, this needs to stop.
I'm not surprised Mayweather won. After all, he has a punching bag in his bedroom.
Make sure you talk to your kids about drugs. You might be over paying.
I bet if you were in a city getting attacked by huge sci-fi monsters youd run and scream but in the back of your mind youd be like "awesome"
Now that the government shut down it's time to turn off the government give away cell phones !
Take your age, don't add anything don't subtract anything. That's your age.
First date. Her. "Shall we carve our names onto this tree" Me. "You brought a knife?"
This just in: Ariana Grande joins The Dixie Chicks.
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
I listen to gangsta rap sprinkled with a little Adele. Will I murder you? Will I buy you a puppy? You never know.
Nuke the Chinese! ...I mean microwave the take out
Nothing says “friend zone” quite like a woman saying “you’re like a brother to me.” Unless you’re from Alabama.
It's that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions...... * Ummm, Kids,, I meant my kids
Getting drunk and listening to loud music solves 87% of all life's problems
Christie blocks a bridge in New Jersey... The Super Bowl is in New Jersey... A nation wide velveeta shortage for the Super Bowl.... GOVERNMET CONSPIRACIES ARE REAL!
I've just invented a new word: "plagiarism". 