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Dear Ladies: Wear more confidence than makeup. 
Your beauty is so rare, no one can find it.
Remember when Disney used to produce cartoons, not teen sluts?
Thought of something brilliant? Just google it, and you will soon realize how uncreative you really are.
"Lets talk about safe IPs. Let's talk about piracy. Let's talk about all the good things and the bad things on your PC."
I just dipped my Kit Kat into peanut butter and now I know why dogs will bite you if you get too close to their food
I hate it when I read something on her3 thats so funny that I burst out laughing it makes my neighbors realize that I'm hiding under their bed.
*Moments Before Ending A Phone Call: "All right, cool, yeah, ok, haha yeah, I know right!, tomorrow, yep. later man. all right..bye" (click)
Does time fly when you're having sex or was it really just 30 seconds?
For the love of God, ASK me, don't AXE me!
They say that carrots help you see in the dark - that is crap! After 5 minutes of walking into stuff, I switched back to using a light.
Stop warning stupid people and give evolution a chance to work its wonderful process.
Don't waste your time with explanations: people only hear what they want to hear.
Dear Women, We're not lying, we're trying to prevent you from killing us. Love, Men
When they say, "Hello, sir. Can you sign this petition to end guilt-tripping outside of supermarkets?" Then I'll sign.
everyone hopes for a happy ending...except inmates
WAIT,,,I Just read that grizzly bears can run faster than horses?. THEN WHY AREN'T WE RIDING GRIZZLY BEARS?
Struggling with Impostor Syndrome a lot lately. I guess I just need to relax, take a breath, and remind myself that my father was the Czar.
What do Chicago Bulls fans do after watching the Bulls win a play-off game?? ... turn off the play station 3
When a woman says "I can't get laid" we all know she's just being damn picky. 