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Anyone with more than 0 bumper stickers needs to relax 
After seeing Solange and Ray Rice videos, I'm going to start taking the stairs. Elevator are too dangerous.
I'd like to think I'm a decent person but honestly if I was a millionaire, the last thing I would do is dress up like a bat and fight crime.
Stranger: nice to meet you Me: give it time
You know you are getting old when you see a beautiful 19-20 year old woman and the first thing that comes to mind is ...."Wonder what her Mom looks like?"
Can't wait to see the hour of commercials it takes for some dude to be eaten alive by an Anaconda in five minutes tonite...
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we're camping. With an angry bear close by.
Can we just stop inventing new stuff until we can figure out how to put a GOD DAMNED 'LOCATE MY REMOTE' button on the cable box?
My nickname at work is, "Shhhh, here he comes"
"Don't MAKE me turn this beat around!" — Gloria Estefan yelling at her kids
I'm at my most relaxed around dogs and prescription drugs.
My sister is adopted,, but I like to tell people she's "a rescue".
It's sad how an animal like a dog shows more humanity than humans do.
You have the most beautiful lies I've ever seen
I'm drunk and horny but not "call my ex" drunk and horny...
O.J. gave Broncos a better name
Hey guy walking down the street talking on bluetooth with a bag in one hand and nothing in the other, please use your free hand to slap yourself
My supervisor told me "I like working with you. You're the only one I can have a interlectrical conversation with". I don't know if I should feel honored, or ashamed that this man is my boss
I rather be a known drunk, than an Anonimous Alcoholic
you know its over when there's nothing left to say 