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Baby, I would take a bullet for you... In Halo 4... Unless I'm on a kill streak. 
Stop talking to me and stare at your phone. It’s 2013.
Girls fall in love with what they hear... Guys fall in love with what they see. That is why girls wear makeup, and guys lie!
If you're going to be an ass, remember to be a smart one; not a dumb one.
My brain is 80% song lyrics, 15% passwords and 5% important $hit…
Mission Impossible: Not eating a French Fry on the way home from the drive thru.
I hope the woman of my dreams delivers pizza, otherwise I'm never gonna meet her
You're right, all guys are the same. It has nothing to do with you exclusively dating douchebags
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock across the room.
just got barred from Home Depot, some idiot in an orange apron came up to me and asked me if I wanted decking, lucky I got the first punch in!!!!
If I had super powers I would be so totally dangerous.
.My sun block is 100% effective. It's called a house.
sweating like a cat at a Chinese restaurant
remembering the days when hey arnold and doug were apart of his everyday tv lineup
..hates her internal clock. It doesn't have a snooze button and it hurts to throw herself across the room..
hates when his cat thinks outside the box!
A police recruit was asked during exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest ur own wife?" He said, "Call for backup."
Tis the season again, the first snow! Please let me say to all idiots who think that since they have an SUV you somehow gain super powers and are invincible, TIRES ON ICE ARE TIRES ON ICE your 4x4 this doesn't stop you from sliding on ice you morons!
they just said that the new year's ball weighs 12,000 pounds..... wait, I thought Snookie wasn't in the ball?? wtf
So ABC/Disney cancel "Last Man Standing".... The Hollywood left strikes again. 