Yoko Ono will once again oppose the parole of Mark David Chapman - the man who shot and killed John Lennon 30 years ago. Perhaps she ought to rethink that - I hear Chapman has a Jonas Brothers obsession now.
SKY news announced that Tampax have signed on to sponsor Tiger Woods. A spokesman for Tampax said, "To sponsor a c*nt going through a bad period is exactly what our company is all about".
discovered today that when a police officer says, "Ma'am, your eyes look red. Have you been drinking?", you should never respond with "Officer, your eyes look glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"
just got barred from Bunnings. This arrogant prick in a red apron in the timber aisle just asked me if I wanted decking. Lucky I got the first punch in!
discovered last weekend that if you play a Nickelback album backwards, you hear satanic messages. What's even worse is, if you play it forward, you hear Nickelback.
hates it when old relatives come up to you at weddings and say, "You'll be next, dear". I'm sure they wouldn't be too impressed if I started saying that to them at funerals.