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Her profile said she was a stone cold freak. Turns out she was just a wrestling fan with bad capitalization skills 
We started out like Romeo and Juliet, but it ended up like Batman & The Joker.
Universal truth: You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.
doesn't get drunk - I get awesome!
Didn't win the lotto again.. send prayers.
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams"HIT THE BLAKES" & I'm like"I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE"
Job Interview Tip: Don't move in for the kiss too early or your potential employer may think you're only after one thing.
It amazes me at how dirty minded most of you single women are. What amazes me more is how you clean that mind after you get wifed.
The tv remote fell under the bed so I guess it’s TBS, on an uncomfortably high volume, for the next 5 years
"She's cute I swear, let me find a better picture." – Me telling my friends about my new girlfriend.
"Hello modelling agency?" "Yeah,one of my Facebook friends has 189 likes on photo and yes she is half naked I think she is ready to go pro."
“You make me a better person.” - Me talking to my cup of coffee.
Lindsay Lohan is going to be making her stage debut in London. Lohan is looking forward to England because she already drives on the wrong side of the road.
A fire pole is just a stripper pole that grew up and got a real job.
If I was supposed to share them, they wouldn't be called nachos.
The best part of my divorce was how I woke up and I hadn't done anything wrong
Wanna come over for pizza and sex? I'm just kidding there's no pizza.
It may be a tell-tale sign that I'm spending too much time online when the dogs recognize the sound of my computer shutting down and get excited about it.
Rumors are swirling that Bruce Jenner is in talks with Britney Spears to do a duet of the song I'm Not A Girl, Not Yet A Woman
Statistically men think about sex every seven minutes… for about six minutes 