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I'm glad I've got boobs. The last thing I need is people making eye contact with me 
Kim and Kanye get married. Who cares? Ain't nobody got time for that....
I tried to bring sexy back,,, but they said it wasn't in it's "original" condition
What's a pirate's fave letter of the alphabet? Trick question. They are illiterate savages whose purposes are ill-served by the written word
If Charles Manson can get married in prison I should at least be allowed to text at red lights
5 "Lets all put our phones down and talk with each other.." - Someone who has run out of phone battery.
The grass is greener on the other side because my neighbors are Mexican.
Calm down Jihadists. If you're in that much of a hurry to see 72 virgins, just go to a Star Trek convention.
If I had a dollar for everytime I was distracted I wish I had a puppy
My friend handed out wedding invitations at her baby shower, like the classless knocked up slut she is.
why are all these wicked and crazy storms named after women?
I tought my niece well, when we were carving our pumpkin I heard her wisper to it "that's what happens to snitches"
The only reason I know how many beers I drank last night, is because it was all of them.
I talk to an imaginary live studio audience when I'm making dinner.
Great...now everybody is a damn food photographer. Hope this fad dies out quicker than Planking.
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific!
Taylor Swift chases more balls than a puppy.
You're odd and cheap when you smile habitually and for no apparent reason.
This complimentary lemonade at the doctor's office tastes funny.
How the hell do you call Batman during the day? 