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Of course I wanna go to my high school reunion! There's nothing I'd rather do than waste hundreds of dollars and precious vacation days, just to hang with a bunch of people I couldn't stand. And still can't. 
Sometimes it's too hard to hate everyone all at once, so I hate people in shifts.
Telling someone they "look tired" is the best way to insult someone under the guise of "caring."
A PIRATE'S TOAST: May your anchor be tight, your cork be loose, your rum be spiced, and your compass be true.
Class reunions are pointless now. Because of Facebook I see all you f*ckers everyday.
Geeesh,,Nobody seems to care about all the times I DIDN'T drop the baby.
The crowd is huge at this year's Wrestlemania! But America's obesity problem is nothing to joke about.
Oh, you hate drama? Please continue to dramatically complain about it.
The Day-After-Easter Candy Sale at Walmart looked more like a fight-to-the-death battle royal between pajama-wearing homeless people.
Love is just a chapter in a guy`s life.. But to girls ? It's the whole book.
If I wave at you, you better wave back and not make me look stupid!
Always remember: Sometimes you can make people UNHAPPY with your HAPPINESS.
11/11/11....my calendar is speaking to me in binary
My eBay purchasing history can confirm that I'm an alcoholic.
Talk is cheap... Thats why everyone can afford to talk so much sh!t!
I'm starting to think it's probably not that hard out there for a pimp.
There should be some sort of device that instantly makes my bed less comfortable when my alarm goes off in the morning.
today I was awoken at 3am by my child laughing hysterically in his sleep. All I could think of is "man I really wish I didn't watch so many horror movies cause I'm creeped out!"
Fact: Guys don't like it when you compliment them on their gay apparel.
If you let the bad things stop you, you'll never get to the good things. 