Funny Status Messages

   It might be fat Tuesday today, but I'm fat everyday. So what's the big deal.

   Bi-polar Wednesday - that day where you fluctuate between, "WooHoo, the week is half over" and "Oh crap, the week is only half over.

   The courthouse is a really great place to see people with neck tattoos wearing ties.

   Idea: October is Breast Cancer Awareness month.. instead of posting your color bra, why not take a pic of your boobs, post them and say "Save These!" . .why beat around the bush? (or bare floor)

   Starbucks isn't really that expensive when you you consider what Victoria Secret charges per cup...

   It's a good thing I'm not a cellar-master for a winery, because I'd be terrible at my job. "This wine is going to taste so good in like 6 years...or, we could pop this b*tch open right now..."

   Life is funny. Well, yours is. To me.

   The information age, does anyone else find it just a little bit ironic that it has produced so many uninformed people.

   My salt shaker has been clogged for two years, so don't come to me with your issues.

   The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.

   I bet there's a rapper trying to figure out a way to replace his teeth with LED lights

   "LSD causes users to lose weight" Obviously. You can't eat when a dragon is guarding the fridge.

   Barry Manilow gets married to partner and comes out of the closet..... World rolls eyes and says, "Oh Gee Barry, we had no clue."

   Ahh Brunch, the Sunday activity that makes drinking before noon socially acceptable.

   Teen at Starbucks asked if I could take her selfie. I said that would just be a photo.... She's still blinking at me.

   Halloween is just over a week away now. When it comes to candy bars, the term fun-sized is misleading. There is nothing fun about your candy bar being 1/8 the size of a regular bar. You should call them what they are: “disappointment-sized.”

   Coaster? You're assuming I plan to put my drink down...

   Well I tried watching the eclipse but the damn moon was in the way!

   When I hear "Tropical Depression" I think of Toucan Sam sitting in a rain-forest crying.

   Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station's phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.