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There's always a little truth behind every "just kidding", a little knowledge behind every "I don't know", a little emotion behind every "I don't care", and a little pain behind every "It's okay"! 
~ A man went to see a psychiatrist, wearing only Gladwrap shorts. The shrink said, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts".
Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy -- the mother.
There are female hormones in beer. You gain weight, talk too much and can't drive.
my two buddies walked into a bar, but I ducked
says my wife just accused me of being self-centered.... I nearly fell off my throne!
Sometimes I wonder.."Why is that Frisbee getting bigger?"...and then it hits me.....
this message changes to Spanish as soon as you look away.
since when the hell did the price of apples and razors go up? geez!
MAY I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION PLEASE!!! The fact that you have a "Baby on Board" sign in your back window does not exempt you from getting your ass rammed if you insist on driving 55mph in the left lane...regardless of the posted speed. You have been warned.
PMS - (Pre Monday Syndrome)
I get butterflies in my stomach every time I eat butterflies.
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
I found out where the Terminator Action Figures are sold at Wal-mart. Aisle B, back.
Just because you haven’t met the right person doesn’t mean that you will.
The awkward moment when your laughing at a joke then you realise its about you
• There is nothing more pleasing than seeing a couple that are always posting sickly messages to each, finally break up on facebook.
If I were a midget I would so score candy on Halloween
I love the phrase "we're expecting" when talking about pregnancy, because it makes it sound like there's more than one outcome - "Yeah, we're expecting a baby.......... but it could very well be a Tyrannosaurus Rex" 