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I am tired of men complaining about women complaining about men complaining about women 
North Korea is the snotty kid that no one liked and China is the babysitter that let him do what he wanted so she could fu*k her boyfriend.
I was sure they'd name that baby King Ralph...
I didn't get a chance to check instagram today....does anyone know if the sun set this evening?
Anthony Weiner came up short.
I spend more time hitting the damn snooze button than I do snoozing.
If you tickle me, I'm not responsible for your injuries... or the stain on your carpet ツ
Sometimes I get so hungry that I eat a sandwich without having sex first.
Your baby is not interesting or funny, unless it's drunk or being carried away by an eagle.
Subway is being sued for lying about length?!?!?.... Time for me to find a good attorney!
Hey, just wanted to point out that Nemo is Omen backwards. I'm sure it's fine......
Nowadays MILF doesn't have the same meaning, especially since there are 15 year old moms
: The English language is being degraded by slang and this troubles me. Except the phrase, "All up in this b!tch." I think that's a keeper.
What's the point of a high school reunion? I have Facebook. I already know you got Fat
Whoa whoa, calm down Swiffer commercials, you're a wet paper towel on a stick
Studies show we aren't doing anything right.
Husband... "Whew, I'm glad that's over." Wife... "NOW CAN WE GET RID OF THAT BOAT!"
Whenever I stalk someone, I wear a big foam finger so it's less creepy and more "super awesome fan."
I'm actually really nice, until you annoy me.
My sister calls me a "lazy alcoholic." Well, jokes on her. I just jogged to the liquor store. 