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insured by Smith and Wesson 
Synonym - a word one uses when you can't spell the other one!
a doctor goes into work one day and asks his secretaryif it was wrong to have sex with his patients. runs him out of office and screams "OF COURSE UR A VET!!!
So I'm giving up drinking..Hard liquor..On Wednesdays..In June..Next year..(Maybe..)
Anything that is unrelated to elephants is irrelephant.
For sale : Twin beds, one hardly used.
I was in a Spelling Bee onze. But I lost bekause the other students cheeted.
Today I went to IKEA and hid in the wardrobes. And every time someone opened the doors I welcomed them to Narnia!
I know there are boy ladybugs, but what do you call them?
Constipated People Don't Give A Crap.
364 shopping days 'til Christmas and some people already have their lights up.
"Bros before hoes" is something a bro without a hoe would say.
The Bible is a lot like those online Terms of Use Agreements. Everyone says they agree with it, but very few people actually read it.
I really want to rent a hot air balloon. Or at least a moderately attractive air balloon with a great personality.
Don't worry Mayans, if you DO get it wrong it's not the end of the world.
Fool me once, shame on me. Wait no, it’s shame on you. I think. Anyways, next time I’m gonna stab you.......... a lot.
When cutting my cocaine I always use my medical insurance card. It just feels right.
If you eat seafood can you go swimming right away?
So broke right now, if a thief robbed me, he'd just be practicing.
Don't you love the tan lines that girls get after sunbathing? It's almost like God came down and highlighted all the important parts. 