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Borrow your girlfriend's pink slippers just to go check the mail and everybody in the whole damn community will stop by to chat. True story. FML 
- If you got any b-tchier, you could have puppies. Woof!
I solve all my problems by creating three new ones as distractions.
When you're at work,,, tell someone that has OCD that you drove past their house, and it looked like a light was on... *Sit back and watch.
If I wasn't supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn't have made it taste so good with orange juice
After a while, you begin to suspect there’s no right person for you, just different flavors of wrong.
I own seven pairs of khaki pants in case anyone wants to start a gang.
Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? Because you could be eligible for compensation.... Please call Goldstein and Goldstein to see what your case may be worth.
For every slice of cheese I cut for my sandwich, I eat a slice.... I feel like this is what God wants me to do.
My coworkers should be less concerned about my job performance and just be happy I remember to wear pants each day.
Everyone up north, please post more pics of ice.
You can't borrow my phone because you might go through my contacts and see what I really call you.
In my defense Your Honor, I thought she had been stung by a jellyfish.
"There are singles in your area." - me telling a stripper she forgot some money on the floor
50 Shades of Grey beat Sponge Bob at the weekend box office. Sponge Bob could have stayed at number 1 but he refused to remove his square-pants
They say don't burn bridges you may have to cross later. I say I don't mind swimming if the bridge was f--ked up to begin with.
Don't be afraid to love again. Just kiddin. Be afraid, be very afraid.
I take solace in knowing that somewhere in a parallel universe my life is spiraling into control.
maybe they should do like a Hunger Games city version....Ferguson vs Baltimore
I wonder if Brad Pitt gets sad on Christmas when one of his kids asks what's in the box 