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Dear Mother Nature: Get off the Vortex aleready. 
It's hard to compliment a fake person without lying.
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word 'unemployment'
I think the cats are hording all the single women out there... Happy Valentines Day everyone
Anyone who invites me to play one of those letter games will get the letters F and U.
Headed to the gym, and then to Taco Bell because I like to keep my body guessing if I love it or hate it.
Etiquette question: If you have a co-worker who desperately needs a nose haor trimmer, do you just anonymously leave one on their desk, or do you tell her about it?
Ladies first. Because it might be dangerous.
I don't think it matters if a person is right-handed or left-handed, as long as they aren't under-handed.
Avon stocks have lost 11% of their value this year. Apparently they are under investigation for allegedly bribing foreign officials. Well it looks like no more free lipstick and panties for Kim Jong-Un.
Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer. Hug your casual acquaintances. Fist bump a frenemy.
I don't get why women panic over taking pregnancy tests. I would've jumped at the chance of peeing on all my tests when I was in school
I'm so drunk I almost answered my phone.
t amazes me that Playboy have explored the idea of making pop-up books yet.
With all the people on my back, it's a miracle I can even walk.
I don't need anger management... I need people to stop talking to me when I wake up.
I saw a monarch butterfly today, what made it so special is the fact that it was the first time it wasn't stamped on some stripper's ass.
Everyone is gifted, but some people never open their package...
That uneasy momen when your one night stand thinks otherwise and is anticipating you to change your relationship status.
imagine the nurses surprise changin a old lady diaper an her tat says 'juicy' 