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Haha! Some guy told me he doesn’t go down on his girlfriend and she doesn’t complain. I told him it’s because someone else does. 
I should do my own TV series........... Man vs Drink
At least I have all day sober to Sunday up.....
I don't care if saying this hurts my reputation:..... The Westboro Baptist Church's tactics are not the best.
My boobs are nice so I don't have to be.
Did Ray Lewis kill the lights too?
A realtor called asking if I'm interested in selling my house. I'm interested in my neighbour selling his so I booked him an appointment.
I'm trying to explain to this cop that I was tweeting while driving, not texting. He still wants to know why I'm driving naked.
Before you judge me, know that I don't give a crap. Ok, go ahead.
The side effects of the medicine I'm on include nausea, nausea, nausea, nausea, nausea, repeating things four times & difficulty adding.
Some people wish that Morgan Freeman narrated their lives. I on the other hand would choose Optimus Prime.
No matter how expensive the perfume a stripper wears, it will never cover up the smell of poor decision making.
Don't call me " bae " " baby " " babe " or " love " unless I'm the ONLY ONE you're calling that.
Moving to Google+ after a facebook change is like moving to Canada after an election. Noone actually goes through with it, and even if you did, you wouldn't have any friends when you get there.
Some guy waved to me and then walked up and said, “Sorry, I thought you were someone else.” I said, “I am.”!!!
Before I lose my phone, end up naked, high, drunk and possibly arrested, I would like to wish you all a Happy Friday
"Pro-Russian rebels" You mean the Russian army?
I heard a person " an expert " on the news say the shooting in Tennessee oughta be a wake-up call. LOL. How many wake up calls does one need. May it should just serve as evidence of what happens when you hit the snooze button.
People are always worrying about getting gray hair. But actuall gray hair is pretty cool. Just ask any guy that's bald.
"In 300 feet you will arrive at your destination. But it was never about the destination. You know that now." - Buddhist GPS 