Funny Status Messages

   *Breaking News: North Korea missile test delayed due to problems with Windows 95.

   Where would I be without my mother? Probably in the middle of traffic, without my jacket on, talking to some stranger.

   My level of lazy is that I don't think house arrest would be that bad.

   The irony of all this is, the internet was created to save us time...

   RANDOM FACT: Rihanna's face is 70% forehead.

   "Can we talk for a minute?" is code for, "I am going to ruin the next 6 hours of your life with this bad news here."

   When a girl says she wants you to splurge on her, calm down, it's not what you think...

   Did you know birthday cake is the only food you can blow on and spit on and everybody still rushes to get a piece?

   Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

   thinks that it is insane that I need a background check to adopt a puppy but any moron can have a baby...

   How can you tell that the truth is being told? When Facebook blocks it, Twitter deletes it, Google hides it, Youtube bans it, the media censor it, and the government forbids it.

   Google Earth is way cooler than regular Earth.

   Winter: It's like the crazy murderer in a horror movie. Just when you think it's dead, it strikes one last time.

   I wonder if the Three Wise Men said to Jesus, "Just to be clear, these gifts are for your birthday AND Christmas."

   95 and Hazy today, kind of like Bernie Sanders

   This morning, I was beaten up by a busty woman in an elevator. I was staring at her boobs when she said, "Would you please press 1?" So I did. I don't remember much afterwards.

   Dear Santa don't drink the milk at Bill Cosby's house!!!

   This morning I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering... 98 of them said, "How did you get in here?"

   I've been reading a book called '1,000 sexual positions'. I've reached position 176 and apparently from now on I'm going to need a woman.

   be smart, pretend to be stupid!