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My wife complained the other day, "Why did God give women periods with cramp pains and men nothing?" I laughed and said, "Don't be silly honey, he gave us women." 
It's always the ugly girls who are feminists
Guys, it is true. Size DOES matter. When have you ever been satisfied after she brings you a small sandwich?
Guys that can pass for pregnant shouldn't be allowed to take their shirt off in public.
A baby frog just purposely threw himself in front of my lawn mower..... I guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
(Tiger's Christmas Song) Oh the weather outside is frightful. Having many tramps is so delightful. Just so my hot wife don't know…text a ho, text a ho, text a ho.
wonders why women spend so much on sunglasses? Wouldn't it be cheaper to tint the kitchen windows.
When I die, I'd like someone to keep updating my Facebook status just to freak people out… “hey, who knew they had wi-fi up here?”
Toy Story must have been written by a woman. Who else would name their toys Woody and Buzz!!
I apologize for Poking you. Please chill. It's just that I couldn't find the bend over and let me f**k you in the a$$ without a lubricant button.
The paper shredder will shred Pop-Tarts! I repeat: THE PAPER SHREDDER WILL SHRED POP TARTS!
I told my blonde sister I slept with a Brazilian man. My sister said," OMG, you're such a slut...how many is a brazillian?"
"Every kiss begins with Kay." But for second base and beyond, go with Tiffany.
ROFLSHMSFOAIDMT-Rolling On Floor Laughing So Hard My Sombrero Falls Off And I Drop My Taco...
here..now what are your other two wishes????
I just wanted you all to know that I'm leaving Facebook. The ride has been a blast and I've made a ton of friends. Your humor and wit is amazing. I'll miss all of u, but I've decided I need to spend more time with my family...so see you after breakfast!!
I don't always poop in a bag but when I do I prefer Carnival!
If your Facebook picture is a car or your kids I automatically assume you're fat.
I hope when I get to hell, I'll be the guy that gets picked to torture these Westboro Baptist pricks. That would be Heaven for me!!!
Notice you don't hear about,"Kony" anymore? Glad everyone cared for like, five minutes. 