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Why do all gang members have arthritis in their fingers? 
My pet rock turned 4,000,000,001 today
Brett Favre has thrown his hat into the ring to replace the injured Jay Cutler. The hat was immediately intercepted and returned for a TD.
I'm convinced...you can set up a profile, put up a pic of a t-urd in a skirt and hi heels wearing make-up, and some l0ser on fb will comment..."UR BEAUTIFUL!"
I just inadvertently murdered two snails in front of what I can only assume was their son. As a result, I may have just created the snail equivalent of the batman.
I just want a woman who can lick the crumbs from the bottom of a Pringles tube.
I always cry after sex... $400.00 is a lot of money.
I bet an air freshener that smells like stale cigarette smoke would last forever.
This day is only a margarita away from being a good one.
I don't understand stalking an ex following them everywhere they go. You got hurt. Grow up and deal with it as an adult. Have sex with one of their friends or create a fake facebook account. This is 2013, get with the times.
Women use men for free food and get mad when we use them for sex.
Hell hath no fury like a Facebook friend deleted and blocked.
there an STD named 'Miley Virus' yet?
My girlfriend just threw away a bubble wrap without popping it. Just like that. I'm dating an animal :(
Kill them with kindness ..and then fart as you walk away
You treat your body like a temple? That’s nice......... I treat mine like a wh0reh0use above a liquor store next to a 24 hr Taco Bell.
once you learn how to be happy, you won't tolerate being around people who make you feel anything less.
I wrote a status about unemployment earlier, but didn't post it. It needs some work.
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party.
I need a tax person who’s not afraid of prison. 