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I'm kinda tired of the same 7 jokes and all their 12,000 variations on my timeline. 
All year I try to give candy to children and the parents start yelling "don't take candy from strangers!"Then Halloween comes around and you send the brats to my front door. Well I'm keeping my candy this time!
Well I was wrong about what I thought a Herpetologist is.
My love life is so boring that Adam Sandler and Drew Barrymore are going to make a movie about it.
If you're happy and you know it go away.
I'm hearing voices again. Probably because my window is open and there are people outside talking, but still.
#Throwbackthursdays , The only thing I ever throwback on Thursdays are drinks
Boys are so much easier to raise... Soda,chips,videos games.. And open the door once a week to make sure they're still breathing and your good
Do a little dance... Drink a lot of rum... Fall down tonight...
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You're good to go.
Ugh,,, You'd think this restless leg syndrome would be exercise enough.
I once dated a girl who didn't need me to open jars for her. It was pretty convenient but the handjobs were crippling.
One day the mail man is going to murder my family and the dog is going to be like, "Haha... who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?"
My Shark Week lights are still up from last year.
Does anyone know where I can get more Lite Brite pegs?... I'm trying to finish my will.
Digging through a box in the closet and I found a picture of me sitting on Santa's lap. Hard to believe that was almost 2 years ago.
Fun party hosting tip: Put dozens of extra coats on the bed. When guests ask where everyone else is, laugh maniacally & change the subject.
You carry yourself like someone with a much higher credit rating.
"But why?" - Me at weddings
It's funny how "You're so funny" turns into "You think everything's a joke" in just 3 months... 