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Thanks, Michael Douglas, for ruining the ONLY time I'm not worrying about cancer. 
If a woman doesn't like a man using a coupon on the first date, she should offer to pay.
Timehop... reminding us that the stupid people we know today were just as stupid 5 years ago.
I was offered a one night stand with a girl. In exchange I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner to my friends. I declined because I have strong morals and will power. Just as strong as Ajax, now available scented with lemon or vanilla
Sometimes I like to lie in bed, stare at the ceiling and think what it would be like to stare at other ceilings.
How am I supposed to show a girl I like her, if I can't even make her a mix tape anymore?
People who eat grapes are impatient alcoholics
kinda likes ceilings. Maybe I'll become a fan.
I wish I could delete all the cookies I ate last night
Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash
Why even ask how my weekend was if you're just going to interrupt me halfway through to say, "Yeah, I saw your Facebook post."
wondering how wealthy rappers stay so angry
The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
got to the bottom of the mountain of laundry and found my favorite sock I thought the dryer ate. Raising both fists in the air and giving a Gladiatorial roar of victory I soon discovered I washed my wallet.....
My advice for the day: If you have a headache, do what it says on the Advil bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
I don't have a beer belly, I have a protective covering for my rock hard abs.
I've got an empty coffee cup and no memory of drinking it. I don't put cream in my coffee, so I think that's a black out.
Mondays! Pro: Start of a fresh new week! Con: It's still Monday!
Blondes may have more fun, but brunettes remember it the next day.
Never look back unless you're planning to go that way 