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Have you ever looked at your best friend and asked, "How the f*** are we not comedians?" 
I wonder if aliens ask each other. Do you believe in HUMANS?!
Everyone deserves one free kill in life.
Don't judge a woman by her granny panties but by what's inside.
Some dude just yelled at me for texting and driving...I told him to get off my hood and mind his own business.
A Rabbit's foot is considered good luck! A Camel's toe should be considered really good luck!!
If they play Adele "Set fire to the rain" one more time I'm gonna have too set fire to a radio station..
My wife has asked me to get her some gloves to wear at her mother's funeral. Does anyone know where I can buy those giant foam fingers?
Why I wear thick, fluffy socks: 1% Comfort 1% Warmth 98% Increased ability to slide across floor like a fricken ninja on an invisible surfboard
Spend life with the people who make you happy, not the people who you have to impress.
Breaking news: The Detroit Tigers file for Little Leauge.
Ladies, if you are really good at blow jobs, you don’t have to pretend to like football.
Hmmm,,,, Tell me more about this "victim" role you play due to the circumstances that you've created for yourself.
Sometimes life seems so Popeless.
Got a problem with me? I'm pretty sure a status on Facebook won't fix it.
So the Westboro Baptist Church say they are going to picket Jeff Hanneman's funeral. 150 morons against 5000 Slayer fans...... Can't wait to see that one!
"When I'm done sh*tting on your car I'm going to watch your wife undress through the window" - Birds
Everyone is entitled to my opinion.
I hope everyone stocked up on water and flashlights! This y2k thing sounds terrifying!.. I just read all about it in my doctors office.
Women: Let me overthink everything you just said, connect them to things you said years ago and pick a fight about it when you least expect 