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What would life be like without women? A pain in the a$$. 
The kids are gonna be shtting themselves after trick or treating at my house tonight......Chocolate laxatives are the best.
I'd like to be an optimist but I know I'd be terrible at it
Ladies, show me your duck lips and I'll show you some duct tape.
Honestly,,,,, I love every single some of you.......
a rivalry between two vegetarians still called a beef?
I'm against recycling because it makes me appear to be a huge alcoholic to my garbage man.
I've always wanted to know how long "forever" was... and by looking at some peoples relationships its around 2 to 4 weeks.
Just to set the record straight! My Dad can beat up all your Dad's!!!
I don't understand how people get eaten by sharks.....how do you not hear the music?
I'm a leader, not a follower.. Unless it's a dark place, then screw it, you're going first!
Happy Turkey Day, America! Don't forget to name the turkey and make everyone uncomfortable.
No one is more judgmental than a waitress questioning if you've saved room for dessert.
Condoms hidden, plates and dishes washed, toilet tissue put in dispenser, fruits bought, bed made, bathtub washed, house cleaned and vacuumed, gospel music playing, TV turned on to CNN. MY PARENTS ARE VISITING IN AN HOUR AM SET!!
The problem with money is too much of it belongs to people who aren't me.
When nudists put on a play, do they argue about who has the biggest part?
Sign language: it's very handy.
The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was the genius. ;)
With the price of printer ink so high, it would probably be more cost-effective to keep a giant aquarium full of squid and harvest my own.
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle. 