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I will put a comma wherever I want. If I pause,,,, you pause 
I've decided!! I’m giving up my New Years resolutions for Lent....
My “we had to walk 5 miles uphill in the snow just to get to school” story will be about taking 4 hours to download an mp3 with a 28k modem in 1995.
Confidence, arrogance, ignorance. These are all close cousins, beware.
The first rule of relationships: You don’t find out why someone was available until it’s too late.
If a Prius is your getaway car, I am afraid you're going to jail.
If your wife is "rewarding" you with sex when you're good, you really need to work harder at getting her to view sex as her own reward.
I like my women so intelligent that it takes me days to realize I was insulted.
Sometimes I ask myself why do I stay up so late? Then I tell myself it's none of my damn business.
What if the 12/21/12 is the day Winrar trial period ends?
Refrigerator ice dispensers are perfect for those times when you need either zero or 5000 ice cubes.
In the popularity contest that is Facebook, I'm currently in 609,264,326th place, slightly higher than in real life. Win!
I'm like a newborn baby when I wake up with a hangover. Unaware of my surroundings, sensitive to light and covered in God knows what.
The major cause of auto wrecks is a screw loose in the nut behind the wheel.
Reaching under the couch for something is the closest I'll ever get to yoga
Write the name of someone you hate on your body every day in permanent marker, so no matter how you die they'll become a suspect..
Just sent out 200 text messages to random phone numbers saying "Happy Father's Day! I'm pregnant!" Now listening to the police scanner for my daily entertainment.
i buy my own f*cking lemons because you know what? life doesn't hand anyone anything for free.
Keep an eye on people who always remain calm & collected. It's always a pretty fun scene when they finally have their inevitable breakdown.
Kanye West and Kim Kardashian dating each other saves two other people in the world from misery! 