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I weigh myself every morning so I know exactly how much I need to hate myself that day. 
Interviewer: Any questions you’d like to ask us? Me: What level of candy crush are you on?
Being polite and rational - a woman's ultimate warning sign something is wrong.
If porn had been free on the internet 20 years ago, I could have out arm wrestled a bear!!
Solange finally got a hit!!
I'm gonna ignore you like an I.T. guy.
I feel so old whenever someone tells me they were born in the 90s
my vodka just did the ice bucket challenge.
Of all the things my phone can do, its ability to make me look busy while in an elevator with people who think I want to talk to them is my favoritte.
The NFL is taking it's crackdown on violence so seriously, the refs are now using rape whistles.
First Principle of good customer service: shut up and concentrate on your work.
Halloween is my favorite holiday where you can trespass on a stranger's property and make a non-negotiable demand.
What do you mean I have to tie up my robe?.. This is a cape.
it bad that "wine" is always on my grocery list? At the top? In all caps?
You'd think when a movie lists the cast "In Order of Appearance", they'd go from best-looking to ugliest but no...
Ah, Breast Cancer Awareness Month. If you know you have boobs, go get checked. You too ladies.
If I pass you my phone to see a photo and you scroll through my other pics, they'll never find your body.
To thrive in life you need three bones. A wishbone. A backbone. And a funny bone.
I have seen your ex so don't act like I am not an upgrade.
Next time I make a comment about an ugly Christmas sweater I'm going to make sure there is a party going on. Another life lesson learned! 