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going to buy a boat some day and name it "Cirrhosis of the River" 
knows one thing about the speed of light...it gets here way too early in the morning.
Hmmm....my wife just left the house in a big hurry with her winged monkeys in hot pursuit. Someone is in trouble
I'm concerned that America will lose the next time we are invaded because this generation will be too busy staring at their phones to notice.
Clean your rooms kids or I'll wear yoga pants when your friends come over. And yes thats a threat.
May all your troubles last as only long as your New Year resolutions.
If someone gossips to you, you can bet they also gossip about you...
I got a new marker today that smells like grapes. Thats why I've been so quiet.
We're taught from a young age that we need to work hard to achieve success, riches, or fame in life. Then we grow up to see sh****gs like Snooki, the Situation and the Kardashians. You know... People who have never done anything!
if you don't already hate people, black friday shoppers is a great way to start.
"Blow him" "blow him" "blow him" "blow him". -Me as marriage counselor
The house from Home Alone is up for sale for 2.5 million dollars. F*ck that, the area's full of burglars.
It's time for all of us to admit the "endorphin rush" you get after exercise is just an overwhelming sense of relief it's over
They don't make pizza or beer out of celery. And that is all you need to know about celery.
I swear my bed just whispered "Please Don't go."
Speaking of lent some of you mofos owe me money
Wish there were more love songs about naps and liqour.
"My son, one day all this will be yours," I say proudly, sweeping my hand over reams of medical charts that explain all our familys genetic defects.
I'm not antisocial. I'm pro leave-me-the-hell-alone.
My dad use to take me to the circus to see the tattooed man and the bearded lady. Now, I can see them anytime shopping at Walmart. 