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Don't blame me for your issues. Your seat on the crazy train was reserved long before you met me. 
If you insist on sending me pics of your boobs please at least be a female!!
just because they sell yoga pants in XXL doesn't mean it's ok to wear them in public.
On a scale of 1 to a weatherman,,, how good are you at lying?
Why am I single? Answer me. . . ANSWER ME YOU STUPID CATS!!!
Do you ever start writing a status and halfway through you’re just like “nah”
My favorite part in Pretty Woman is her joy when he agrees to pay $3,000 for 6 days, effectively lowering her rate from $100/hr to $21/hr
Can Walmart be a feeling? I'm pretty sure that's how I'm feeling today.
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good, and we will slowly kill you
When you say "9 out of 10 forest fires are caused by humans.".. All I hear is that there's a bear out that knows how to use matches
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with a pocket knife and the contents of a woman's purse.
I'm glad that we as humans settled on the hand shake as a greeting instead of the whole ass sniffing thing.
I don’t just act crazy, I’ll drive you there too.
Maybe Jada Pinkett Smith should receive an Oscar for acting like an idiot.
Well, if you're going to question my reputation and credentials as a gynecologist,I suggest you get the hell out of my office van.
Wanna ruin a girl's day? Respond to her next text with "Who is this?"
FOUND: IPod Touch 4G, 32GB, white. Must be able to match the naked pics I found in the photos.
Do midgets get ticked off because their miniature golf courses are overrun by normal sized people?
i do believe my fake laugh is ready to go pro.
Filled out the "Are You Depressed?" questionnaire and it turns out I just have mild diabetes and the desire to shoot people in the face. 