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Lets Be Honest, slow internet, is worse than bad sex. 
Overhearing someone ask their friend a question sucks when you know the answer, but can't exhibit your amazing knowledge without seeming like a weirdo for listening to their conversation.
Around here you don't lose your girl, you just lose your turn ..
When I go on deployments, I have my friends send me Jack Daniels in a Listerine bottle.
"Covfefe" definition:
(Noun)
A fidget spinner for the National media.
Just went through the self checkout at Walmart and was named "Employee of the Month"......
Months of outrage about school shootings but when ISIS compound is discovered training kids to do more of them,no one cared.
What costs hundreds of millions of dollars but is worthless? 2nd place in a presidential election.
Doctor: “Sir....” Patient: “It's MA'AM. I identify as a female” Doctor: “Okay Ma'am. You have testicular cancer”
I'm so angry at the leaves right now! I'm gonna stand outside and yell at the trees...I'm going to throw rocks at them, stomp my feet and act like a 3 yr old..To really get my point across I'm going to burn pictures of sugar maples! Stop leaves...Stop!!
The fact thst humanity has to clarify that any lives matter should be concern enough.
A good woman can make you feel macho, strong and able to take on the world. Oh sorry… that's vodka… vodka does that.
Some girls are like community colleges... Even if you're not the smartest guy, you probably still get in.
Girls are never wrong. Until they are. Then they cry and are, somehow, not wrong again.
Only God can judge me, and my neighbors. And my friends. And Family. And random drivers while I lip sync "Call me Maybe" while on the Interstate.
A teacher asks Johnny to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence. He says, "My sisters sweater has 9 buttons but her boobs are so big, so can only fasten eight!"
How much stuff is hidden on a Mobile Phone is directly proportional to how quickly the owner snatches it back from you !
My friend's 3 year old asked me to marry her today & I said yes, but now I don't want to. (She's mean & she dresses weird)
"I wasn't that Drunk" "Dude, you told me to give you a ride home... when the party was at your house."
My wife's a magician. She can turn anything into an argument. 