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The phrase “Don’t take this the wrong way.” has a zero percent success rate. 
My mission is to be the first person on Facbook to have one million people on their block list. . .
The inventor of predictive text has died. His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
Even though Halloween is meant to be about dressing up as scary evil monsters, people still complain if you go as Hitler
Statistics show that married men live a lot longer than single men. However married men are a lot more willing to die.
A recent survey of one person reveals that 100% of me thinks I should leave work early.
What's the point of blurring out the middle finger on TV, like oh you've fooled me, what's behind that blur? Is it a monkey? A pencil?
Why get married when you can just drive into oncoming traffic?
If I had a time machine, I would just keep going back to bed.
It's actually the voices outside my head that bothers me the most.
Hold on I'm about to count my money. Alright I'm done.
When is National Slap a Co-worker Day? Please say tomorrow
Hi, you've reached my voicemail. Please leave a message that I'll ignore until you text me like a normal person. Thanks
Yea, the Duggars. You spit out that many kids, 1 or 2 are bound to be defective.
Hey ladies, you know that feeling you get when you roll over & realize you made a horrible mistake? I could give that to you every day.
After watching for over fifteen minutes, I don't think that RuPaul's Drag Race has anything to do with automobiles
There is a man eating fries with a fork and airport security is doing nothing about it.
Still don't understand why you can't end a company-wide email with, 'Later b*tches.'
Maybe lions don't even like antelope meat maybe they just keep eating them because we all know how annoying vegetarians can be.
Bond. Hydrogen Bond. 