Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   To My Ex: It's not that I didn't like sex; I just realized it was a lot more enjoyable by myself than with you.

   Yeah you nailed the audition but some other chick nailed the director so better luck next time.

   I hate when I take a day off from the gym and it becomes lifestyle

   Haven't slept on my desk at work for the past two weeks, I can feel a promotion coming my way.

   What Meatloaf wouldn't do for love, I'd probably do for a Klondike bar.

   If i'm ever convicted of murder it will be because I had to say"excuse me" to many times while pushing a basket in Wal Mart.

   I'm not just hungry...I'm Oprah hungry.....

   father's day is a great time to stop into a strip club to remind yourself that you could have done worse as a father.

   so they asked Paula Deen if she ever said the "N" word.....i dont think she's ever used "nonfat"

   Well, now I don't know the name of any professional cyclists.

   Never underestimate my ability to make things weird for everyone involved.

   My 1 year old said YOLO... She actually might have been asking for yogurt,, but just to be safe I put her in a time-out.

   I put a pair of boots in the bathroom stall at work so nobody else will use the stall that I like to use.

   The Dr. who had examined my wife when she was rushed to the Emergency Room, pulled me aside and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.' I said 'Me neither doc,' ......'But she's a great cook and good with the kids.'

   There are other things in life besides sex and alcohol. Those other things all suck, but they do exist, I assume.

   Was hating my job until I drove past a grown man dressed as a Taco on the side of the road. Thanks again Perspective

   So do you think in the future we will see marijuana commercials on TV? It might bring back the slogan "This bud's for you".

   Who's up for some curling in my driveway?

   "His heart wasn't the only thing that was 2 sizes too small." .............. * Mrs. Grinch

   Just got an Oscar nomination for my role as "man surprised his credit card was declined"