Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Just once I'd love to attend a funeral where people are being honest and keeping it real about the deceased asking questions like, "Who here is going to pay me the money he owed me?"

   I bet sex is great when I'm not the only one in the room.

   You think your life is bad? I’ve got that “Five dollar foot long” song stuck in my head

   "I wish Ted would just tell his poor kids how he met they're mother!!!"

   Sometimes people who joke around the most have the least to laugh about.

   When I'm ignoring a phone call, the phone seems to ring far longer than usual.

   Might be time for some therapy when the only thing holding you back from being a drug dealer is the fact that you're "not a people person".

   If I say something profoundly insulting and you think it's about you, might be time to reevaluate who you really are.

   Where have you been my whole life? And could you please go back there?

   I'm not surprised Kristen Stewart couldn't act faithful. She can't act happy, sad, frightened, mad, shocked or aroused either.

   ''If all Men are created equal, where's the rest of your Pen!s?!!!

   Wetting the bed is embarrassing enough as it is. I could do without the laughs from these jerks at Mattress Warehouse

   Go on, drink your coffee like you have something important to do today.

   new weight loss plan: eating pasta and then antipasta.

   I stop at random Jehovah's Witness houses and drop off copies of Rolling Stone.

   Shouldn't somebody else blow out the candles when it's a fireman's birthday?

   When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary... Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google it.

   Wesley Snipes was released from prison this week. Now he can finally begin filming "Blade 4: Twilight."

   It's Friday night and you're sitting at home on Facebook? HAHAHAHAHAHA same

   The only thing more ridiculous than Lindsay Lohan's antics, are those who are obsessed with them.