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people who text hey and then say nothing after you respond are seriously demented 
I just put a childproof lock on my liquor cabinet. No, I don't have any kids... I just installed it to remind myself of what it can lead to.
Not to be too braggy but I can put 72 m&m's in my mouth at once.. One went down my windpipe and I'm on my way to the ER now,,,,, but still.
Mayans are the main reason why I have trust issues >=(
There is no "we" in chocolate.
Today, I heard on the radio that Lucasfilm was working on a movie featuring Yoda. Can you imagine writing 90 minutes of dialog for Yoda? Insane the writers will be going.
Democracy means simply the bludgeoning of the people by the people.
Misery loves company. And bars, and drinking, and drugs, and barely consensual rough sex with strangers. Misery has all the fun.
If you both of you can just sit together, chill and talk for more than 10minutes without checking your phones, you have just found your soul mate.
I'm making money in my spare time by working.
Like most parents, my wife and I love to proudly watch our beautiful little daughter whilst she sleeps... It does seem to freak out our son-in-law though
Sometimes, late at night in the market..i switch up all the color tubes in the hair dye kits.
If you shared that "I will give a random person 1 million dollars!" Powerball hoax on Facebook you might also want to send me $5000 to claim an additional $50,000 bonus prize.
when I'm happy, I drink and when I drink, I'm happy. Win/win!!
Poems that don't rhyme are just really weird sentences that make people feel awkward.
Why don't people start protesting funerals of members of the Westboro Baptist Church?
I remember the days when we actually used our phones to talk to each other.
The best gift anyone has ever given me is the truth. I will take the truth over a cleverly wrapped lie every time.
Sad Fact Of Life #208- Boobie traps seldom involve boobies.
Who says nothing is impossible. I've been doing nothing for years. …
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