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Better ingredients. Better pizza. Horrible acting. Papa Johns. 
█████ government ███ is ███ your █ friend ████. Trust ██ us ███ to ██████████ know ██ ████ what's ██ best ████ for ██████████ you ██.
Tip of the day: Don't piss off anyone who has unlimited access to your toothbrush.
If you don't believe we're degenerating into a world of illiterates, just read a few pages of this board.
Time heals all wounds. Except sucking chest wounds. You should see a doctor about that.
Man, kids really do ask some tough questions. One just came up to me and said “what’s Nicolas Cage’s worst film?” I mean how do you even answer that?
Spider-man has been unmasked in all his last 4 films. If I was him, I wouldn't even bother dressing up.
Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance... The five stages of waking up.
eHarmony just matched me with a gloryhole at a truck stop outside of Billings, Montana. I think this may be the one, guys.
"And that's why we can't have nice things." *me looking at my pay check
Actually, Jon Bon Jovi, it's Courtney that gave 'Love' a bad name
Caitlyn Jenner on the cover of Vanity Fair??? I haven't seen that much photoshop since a Lord of the Rings movie.
Sex is great and all, but have you ever had someone scratch your back exactly where it itches?
Instead of buying all my kids' school supplies, I just bought a Staples store. Saved like four grand.
Stop fcukin whining about being alone and lower your standards like the rest of us
After I clear my browser history I do a quick google search for things like "feeding the hungry" and "How to thank a loving wife"
I don't want to brag, but I've been told by no less than 6 women I've ruined their lives.
or the millionth time, yes Pandora, I'm still listening. What are you my wife?
I don't know why beer companies bother with an expiration date. It's never going to make it anywhere near that.
A scientist claims to have 100,000 pieces of evidence that Bigfoot exists. How about one, a f#cking Bigfoot?? 