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Just watched a woman in front of me walk face first into a telephone pole because she was too busy looking at her phone. I could've given her a heads up, but then I wouldn't have been able to watch her walk face first into the telephone pole. 
"Give it to me!" she said, "I'm so wet, give it to me right now!" And I replied, “Screw you, it's my umbrella!”
Just saw a t-shirt that said "It's not the size of the boat, it's the motion of the ocean" which translated to "Hey, I've got a small pen!s and a stupid shirt."
If you drink enough, your brain starts photoshopping people.
Thank you for your payment, I'm going to give you a confirmation number." "Cool, I'm going to pretend I'm writing it down.
Whatever you do in life, always give 100%...unless you're donating blood...
Why post a picture on Facebook with the caption 'OMG I'm sooooooo ugly or fat' and then get annoyed when I agree?
I been putting a lot of thought into it and I just don't think being an adult is gonna work for me.
I bet wrecking ball operators are some of the happiest people in the world.
Has this become a current affairs f0rum? I miss the good jokes.
Hey,,, People who drive old retired cop cars........ NOBODY likes you either.
All the noises I used to make during sex, I now make getting up in my truck.
Your Halloween costume came to my house by mistake today, sorry I opened it. It was a rooster mask and a bag of lollipops. Going as a c**ksucker again I see!
Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.
Thinks facebook has ruined school reunions.. now everyone knows your full of sh*t before you get there..
If I have to buy you a present when you get married, then you have to buy me a present when you get divorced. It's only fair.
They say there's a sucker born every minute but I'd be more curious to find out at what rate swallowers are born.
Do you ever laugh so hard you accidentally work your abs?
""Daddy, whats a transvestite?” “Go ask your mother…he'll tell you.”
The secrets of staying young is to live honestly, eat healthy, and exercise or simply lie like hell about your age. 