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"Give it to me!" she said, "I'm so wet, give it to me right now!" And I replied, “Screw you, it's my umbrella!” 
Just saw a t-shirt that said "It's not the size of the boat, it's the motion of the ocean" which translated to "Hey, I've got a small pen!s and a stupid shirt."
If you drink enough, your brain starts photoshopping people.
Thank you for your payment, I'm going to give you a confirmation number." "Cool, I'm going to pretend I'm writing it down.
Whatever you do in life, always give 100%...unless you're donating blood...
Why post a picture on Facebook with the caption 'OMG I'm sooooooo ugly or fat' and then get annoyed when I agree?
99 years ago today, the Titanic chose to hit an iceberg and sink rather than spend another day listening to Celine Dion.
Got told by my Psychiatrist this morning that I'm both indecisive and a Kleptomaniac. I don't know how to take that.
We all have that one friend who needs to get laid. Well, at least my friends do.
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around in random items.
every time I come home after being around another dog, mine looks at me like I cheated on him
I asked the lady from the collection agency out on a date. She turned me down, but keeps calling. I told her I'm too old for games.
My next house will have no kitchen—just vending machines and a large trash can.
Dear eyelashes, wishbones, dandelions, pennies, shooting stars, 11:11 and birthday candles. Do your job.
I know my limits. I don't pay any attention to them, but I know them.
Just got a fortune cookie with no fortune in it ... Sounds about right
I was making dinner when a pan suddenly caught on fire. I don't know which is worse... the fact that I almost set my kitchen ablaze, or the fact that my first reaction was to move my beer to safety.
In my lifetime I have learnt that women, who appear quiet, shy and innocent looking in public are actually the biggest freaks behind closed doors.
WHEW! I just had a near-work experience.
In memory of 9/11 I am teaching my kids the pledge of allegiance like everyone was taught when I was a kid 