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Recent statistics show that 5 out of 6 people enjoy Russian Roulette 
It's Friday! The only two who aren't excited about that are my bank account and my liver.
I'm really good at making poor decisions. You're my favorite so far
Yo Mayans, I know you all did your thing and everything, but the dinosaurs had the best apocalypse ever.
The heart wants what it wants. To pump blood to the rest of your body. Oh and for you to stop blaming it for your stupid actions.
Are those Chinese tattoos on your neck the symbols for unemployment?
HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR, It's the year of the snake !!! I'm still keep accidently writing Dragon on all my checks.
Be with someone you hide nothing from.
i pirate so many songs & movies that I should download a boat
Saying "with all due respect" lends gravitas to the massive pile of disrespect you're about to lay down.
Mistakes are meant for learning, not repeating!
if at first you don't succeed, try drinking a beer while you do it. You'll be amazed of much less you care..
Lucky for you there seems to be no shortage of people willing to settle for less than they deserve.
Accomplishing the impossible means only that the boss will add it to your regular duties.
Who's this "moderation" people keep telling me to drink with?
Politicians are the only people in the world who create problems and then campaign against them.
If I had a dog,, I'd say "I have a bone to pick with you!" And then we'd go to PetSmart to pick a bone,, And we'd laugh & laugh & laugh,,,,,
My safe word is: You're doing it wrong, you idiot
Definition of pointless: Jobless people on Facebook updating their status to 'thank God it's the weekend'
a guy knocked on my door today asking for a donation for the local primary school's pool. I went away and came back with a cup of water..... Is that wrong? 