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When my teenage son needs a lesson in humility I take him to the grocery store and make him go in and buy toilet paper, tampons, Preparation H, Vagisil and anti-diarrhea medication and make him pay for it with change. 
I don't mind if you play hard to get, as long as you don't play hard to get rid of.
We cant pretend to be strangers when I have seen you naked!
Recent studies have shown that smoking marijuana destroys the memory.. well if thats true, then what does smoking marijuana do?
My girlfriend gave me an ultimatum today. Its her or FaceBook. You people better be worth it.
People who live in glass houses should not throw orgies
Q. What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob? A. We better get some support or people will think we're nuts.
Today was brought to you by redbull. Lots and lot of redbull.
When my Droid freezes I instinctively pull the battery out blow on it like a Nintendo game.
Sometimes what is said is not what is meant and what is meant is left unsaid.
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted!
Awkward Moment - realizing you've posted an Awkward moment status that you thought was funny, and no one else does.
If you ever get angry at one of my posts, the last thing you should do is tell me about it. That just makes it even funnier for me
Once again Miley Cyrus tries to hijack another awards show by throwing her inexplicably huge pu$$y out there for all the world to see.
Not to brag, but I still owe Blockbuster $2.00 for not rewinding Weekend at Bernies.
People need to stop putting flyers on my car. I don't want to see a band called "Parking Violation" at the "Courthouse"
At the end of each day, life should ask us, 'Do you want to save the changes?'
I have a bumper sticker that says "Honk if you think I'm sexy" I then wait at green lights 'til I feel better about myself.
The worst thing about spanking a kid in Wal-Mart is that I have no idea who's kid this is.
Someone needs to invent a DVR that records dreams. 