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We must STOP the driver of that bus that everyone keeps getting thrown under. 
how come everything on a cereal box becomes 10 times more interesting to read when you're eating cereal?
I have a great sense of humor... --If you don't believe me, look at my Ex!
There's something about the Smart Car that makes me want to beat it up and take it's lunch money.
Pretending to be a morning person is exhausting.
It bothers me that one day a future generation with all-digital textbooks will look back and laugh at us for having to carry 40-pound backpacks in high school.
going to write a meaningful new Facebook status update, filled with deep, thoughtful sentiments, but screw that.
Carry yourself like a queen and you'll attract a king. Carry yourself like a hoe and see how far you'll go.
Sure it's flattering and weird at the same time, but you need to stop thinking of me when you masturbate...
Ok, TV coroners. We get it. You're comfortable around dead bodies. You can stop putting your sandwiches on them.
in the latest News: Officials found a cell phone under Charles Manson's mattress...and you thought getting a text from Brett Favre was weird.
recommended by 4 out of 5 ex-girlfriends.
If I ever open a knife factory, I'd employ nothing but EMO kids...I'd never have to worry about them reporting an on-the-job injury....
When I said "I wanted to be held" I didn't mean "by the Authorities".
Every bar bathroom should have a cupholder.
I'm fairly certain people are out there deliberately driving their cars around slow & aimlessly with the sole purpose of f*cking with me
How many Snickers are an acceptable meal replacement?
Whenever I get a message that begins with "Hey Stranger" I know I'm about to be asked for a favor by someone I don't want to help.
So we just spent $4 billion on an election about "too much spending?"
Why is it that, in a world full of silicon chips, hand held computers, waterproof paper, and manned space travel, can I not get the little chain to stay attached to the drainage plug in the back tank of my toilet seat 