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Can you imagine the panic that ensuses when the actor who plays the Mayhem character in the Allstate commercials boards a commercial flight? 
If Facebook gets any slower, I'm just going to jog to each of your houses and shout out stuff.
Uses for the plastic ruler..... 5% to draw stright lines 95 % to hit people.
When ever My wife is cooking, I like to walk up behind her, slowly stroke her hair and whisper into her ear... "Let's order a pizza."
If you LOVE something, set it free.. If it comes back to you,,,,you love a boomerang
I saw a guy fall off his bike this morning. He looked around to see if anyone saw his fall. I made sure to make direct eye contact.
We all have that one friend who needs to learn how to whisper
YouTube is the only way you can see MTV playing music.
I haven't had sex for about 1 year, 4 months, 24 days and 56 minutes. It doesn't bother me though.
Welcome to America:You can be the valedictorian of your class, go to college, get a Doctorate's Degree, get a really good job, and you're still not going to make as much each year as Snooki.
wonders why the trojan condom was named after something that broke through a wall & let thousands of unwanted ppl in?...terrible product naming
Wow the liquor store clerk just said he's worried about me. I think it's time for a change. To a less judgmental liquor store.
I just cut myself peeling an apple. This would have never happened to me with a twinkie.
it be cool if that Malaysia plane appeared with Amelia Earhart flying it back
I missed it. How did Sarah Jessica Parker do in yesterday's Kentucky Derby?
Pumped for the series finale of the U.S. government!
FYI: When each one of the Golden Girls died, the remaining ones gained their power,,, and now Betty White is an immortal highlander.
I never know how much Cream of Wheat to make for the trick or treaters.
Kanye West spoke at Harvard, just in case you were wondering about the direction of the country.
My favorite thing about naps is that I don't have to talk to people during them 