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My earthquake kit is just a tuxedo because in case of a disaster, I want to look like the most important person to save. 
You know you're broke when your Bologna Does Not have a first name!!!
Bruce Willis is working on the 5th Die Hard movie! They should call this one ''Just kill me already!!!''
Can you believe this guy, officer? Committing suicide in my trunk without my permission. There should be some kind of law about this.
Just took the batteries out of my smoke detector to use in my TV remote control. Dont judge me...It's Sunday.
I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.
There's a homeless man at the ATM asking for money....... Well played homeless man......... well played
The US Supreme Court has ruled that you have the right under the First Amendment to protest military funerals..... I invite you to start your protest in my front yard and we can see if your first amendment is better than my Second Amendment!
Writing a poem to my wife. What rhymes with threesome?
Word of advice. If your wife or girlfriend ever asks "hypothetically speaking, if I was to arrange a threesome for your birthday, which of my friends would you pick to join in?" Never give two names......ever.
Ladies, the next time a guy has the courage to talk to you, remember he's not wearing makeup. Also, remember what you look like without it.
trying to decide - laundry today or naked tomorrow?
Tip to reduce weight: first turn your head to the left and then turn it to the right, repeat this exercise every time you are offered something to eat.
I don't care if you are gay or straight, I will do my best to talk you out of getting married equally.
How long does it usually take for a Happy Meal to start working?.... It's been an hour,,,,
A thief broke into my house last night searching for 'Money' .... So I woke up and started searching with him
My doctor said I should drink more wine. Well, he actually said "less beer", but I'm pretty sure I know what he meant...
A Brunette, A Blonde and a Man with Dandruff walk out of an Elevator, The Brunette says to the Blonde "Someone need's to give that guy some Head & Shoulders!" the Blonde asks "How do you give Shoulders?"
69 is the Kamikaze of oral sex. "If I'm going down, you're coming with me!"
Few people know this but Cinco de Mayo is actually about a ship full of mayonnaise that sank off the coast of Mexico. 